420

Hippies love the specific time of 4:20 in the afternoon, and go to elaborate efforts to ensure that at that exact moment, they are smoking weed. Why? Honestly, I dunno. I think it has something to do with the codes that law enforcement uses to identify certain types of drug-related crimes, or something.. But I might be wrong. The point is, the numbers–420–have become a sort of “hip” or “underground” codeword for smoking marijuana. All through the streets of Portland, hippies give a sly heads-up to other hippies as the hour and minute approach, deftly skipping off into the park to join in on a group dope session. They light up “phat” doobies and pass them around, nodding their heads to the background Bob Marley and say things like, “Dude…420!” They even celebrate April 20th in like fashion, since, you know, that’s, like, 420 on a calendar, dude. Down in Santa Cruz (a slightly less hip version of Portland) all the university students get together on April 20 at 4:20 in the afternoon and smoke dope together in the quad, evidently with the full knowledge and acquiescence of law enforcement and campus officials. It’s really gotten out of control. Next thing you know, we’ll have police actually escorting bags and bags of dope into the quad and hand-delivering it to the young and idiotic dopehead hippie mongrels. Where does the madness end!!!???!!!

Bean Bags

Hippies love bean bag chairs, and will often have two or three of them strategically placed in their bedrooms. They find bean bags offer the perfect conduit for lazily slacking away the day. They are cushy, mushy, squishy, and easily moldable to whatever body type and physical shape or position the user has. This makes them ideal for laying on/sitting on while stoned on psychotropic substances, as such drug users often have difficulty maintaining correct posture and positioning in standard chairs, couches or other pieces of furniture. And they come in a wide variety of colors and patterns which, when combined with black lights, provide hours of entertainment for doped out hippies.

Black Lights and Lava Lamps

Aside from a water pipe, there are two accessories that you will find in just about every hippie’s home: a lava lamp and a black light. Both originated back in the 60’s, and were developed for one specific purpose: to “trip out on” while under the influence of mind-altering substances. The lava lamp makes little blobs of goo float up and down through a flask of oil situated over a light bulb. The black light imparts a purplish haze throughout the room that allows certain colors to become enhanced, while other colors remain dark. Both are considered groovy when high. There are lots of posters depicting hippie-era musical acts – like Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, the Doors, the Beatles, and so on – specifically designed to be viewed under a black light. Combined with the oddly-shaped goo blobs in the lava lamp, the black light provides stoned out hippies with hours of entertainment, as they stare intently at the posters and goo blobs, finding “hidden” shapes and messages planted there by hippies of old who, most certainly, were high when they created them. Of course, when the dope wears off, the messages and shapes are gone, leading the hippies to wonder, Were they ever really there? What a conundrum!

Water Pipes

Hippies have a special place in their hearts for water pipes. Known more commonly as bongs, water pipes facilitate the smoking of marijuana, sending the smoke through a chamber of water so that it is smoother and less harsh for the smoker’s lungs. The water, it is said, also removes some impurities and particulates from the smoke that are bad for the lungs. Thus, the water pipe is the instrument of choice for potheads, and they put much thought into choosing the right one. Typically, hippies purchase their water pipes at what’s known as a “head shop.” These places sell water pipes, regular pipes, rolling papers and all sorts of hippie accessories, like lava lamps, black lights, incense and Led Zeppelin posters. But they are very careful to note that such pipes and smoking devices are “for tobacco use only!” I don’t know exactly what the law is, but apparently it’s illegal to sell paraphernalia for the purposes of using drugs, so they pretend that their customers are going to smoke good old tobacco in these water pipes. Of course, tobacco is the furthest thing from the mind of the stoned out hippie who wanders in to one of these places. He can hardly suppress his giggles when he marvels at the rows and rows of ornate water pipes – made of hand-blown glass, or ceramics, or composite plastic, or even aluminum – and then notices the signs admonishing customers to refrain from referring to the inventory as “bongs.” They’re water pipes, after all!!! And they’re for smoking tobacco!!! Nothing nefarious going on here, officer!!!

Southeast Asia

Hippies love Southeast Asia, and frequently travel to places like Indonesia, Thailand and Malaysia to get their kicks. Ostensibly, hippies enjoy the culture and natural beauty of such areas…the beaches of Bali, the jungles of Malaysia, the Buddhist temples of Thailand. Of course, when traveling to these places, hippies can’t help but notice the party scene, which typically involves copious amounts of marijuana, occasionally mushrooms, and definitely cheap alcohol. As well as a rather astounding lack of law enforcement when it comes to public intoxication and recreational drug use. Oh, and a rather sexually-charged environment where other traveling hippies meet up and have relations with each other without the usual social norms kicking in that would necessitate, for example, getting to know a person before copulating with them. Nope, hippies’ love for Southeast Asia has nothing to do with these things…they really just go there for the Buddhist temples. Really.

Tie-Dye

Hippies love tie-dye clothing. They wear tie-dye T-shirts, pants, socks, purses and backpacks, coats, sweaters, shoes, hats, scarves, and pretty much everything else they wear and/or don and/or carry with them on their exploits through time and space. Now, considering its popularity, you’d think hippies think tie-dye is “pretty” or something. You’d be wrong. The real reason they love tie-dye so much is that, when they are all hopped up on dope or mushrooms or jimson weed and their brains aren’t working properly, if they are ever asked what color shirt or hat or skirt they have on, they can just say, “It’s Tie-dye, man!” Their rods and cones needn’t be brought back to reality.

Coffee Blues

Hippies love coffee and consume outrageous amounts of it. I don’t know why, maybe it gives them a clearer head when shopping for hookahs and psychedelic Led Zeppelin posters. At any rate, consuming coffee is bad for the environment, a fact that most hippies are unaware of. You see, coffee is a diuretic, which means it makes you have to pee. And when you do pee after drinking coffee, you expel caffeine in your urine. That caffeine eventually makes its way into local streams, where fish live. The fish “breathe” that same caffeine when they take water in through their gills. Caffeine does strange things to fish, most of which are bad. Like causing sterility, hormonal changes and such. No wonder fish are dying out?! If only the hippies cared…