Alternative Schools

Hippies are generally supportive of “alternative schools,” those places where errant teenage hippies go when regular school doesn’t work out for them. These schools don’t teach the usual reading, writing and arithmetic. Instead, they teach performing arts, and drawing, and sculpture and the like, giving the students a different skill set more in line with their interests. Unfortunately, these students, upon graduation, are ill prepared for life in the real world, where the ability to understand what you read, and write clearly and concisely, are highly valued. In addition, the skills that these students DO learn - drawing, dancing, playing bongos and such - are not really in high demand and generally don’t pay anything. Thus, the occupational choices available to alternative school graduates are pretty much limited to panhandling and the production of veggie burritos.

Golf Courses

Hippies hate golf courses, and the game of golf in general. They hate the courses because they require tons of water and chemicals to keep the grass green and free of unwanted pests. As well, they say, golf course construction destroys natural areas that would otherwise play host to tons of critters and native wildlife. They hate the game of golf for different reasons, namely that it is a sport principally enjoyed by the moneyed class and, especially, the good-ole-boy network of corporate executives, politicians and other power brokers that has made positive social change so difficult to attain in myriad areas. Well, they might have a point on that last bit. But as for the environmental stuff, I dunno. Hippies seem to like their big urban parks, with nicely mown lawns and pruned hedges and trimmed trees and groomed walking paths. Really, just take out the tee box from the local golf links and it would look just like Portland’s Laurelhurst Park. And I never hear the hippies complaining about Laurelhurst Park…

420

Hippies love the specific time of 4:20 in the afternoon, and go to elaborate efforts to ensure that at that exact moment, they are smoking weed. Why? Honestly, I dunno. I think it has something to do with the codes that law enforcement uses to identify certain types of drug-related crimes, or something.. But I might be wrong. The point is, the numbers–420–have become a sort of “hip” or “underground” codeword for smoking marijuana. All through the streets of Portland, hippies give a sly heads-up to other hippies as the hour and minute approach, deftly skipping off into the park to join in on a group dope session. They light up “phat” doobies and pass them around, nodding their heads to the background Bob Marley and say things like, “Dude…420!” They even celebrate April 20th in like fashion, since, you know, that’s, like, 420 on a calendar, dude. Down in Santa Cruz (a slightly less hip version of Portland) all the university students get together on April 20 at 4:20 in the afternoon and smoke dope together in the quad, evidently with the full knowledge and acquiescence of law enforcement and campus officials. It’s really gotten out of control. Next thing you know, we’ll have police actually escorting bags and bags of dope into the quad and hand-delivering it to the young and idiotic dopehead hippie mongrels. Where does the madness end!!!???!!!

Addicted to Oil

Hippies the world over are crying foul over the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. The pollution will destroy wildlife for decades in the region, they say. The spill–the worst environmental disaster in the nation’s history–offers a clear glimpse of the dangers we face due to our addiction to oil, they say. It is, after all, a complete vindication of what the hippies have said for decades…oil is dirty! Extracting it is harmful to the environment! It can’t be done “in an environmentally responsible way” as oil execs have long argued! Well, guess what? Those hippies will need to make some serious changes if the oil stops flowing. Let’s have a look at some of the products that hippies use and/or consume that are derived from oil:

· Plastic water pipes.

· Bean bags.

· Lava lamps.

· CDs.

· iPods and iPhones.

· Snowboards and skis.

· Ziplock baggies (for their weed).

· Airplane fuel (for their trips abroad to “find themselves”).

· The plastic containers that hold hummus, baba ganoush, tabouli, tofu, and just about every other food stuff that hippies eat.

· Nalgene water bottles.

· Backpacks.

· Flip flops.

· Birkenstocks.

· Condoms.

· Tatoo ink.

The list goes on and on. If hippies really want to wean the country off oil, they should put their money where their mouth is and give all this shit up!

Backyard Chickens

Northwest hippies love the concept of keeping hens as pets and harvesting the eggs they produce. Sure, such “farm fresh” eggs taste better than the mass-produced ones, and if they are coming from your own hens, they’re cheap, too. But for some reason, regular folks pooh-pooh the idea of allowing city dwellers to keep hens in their backyards. These opponents cite the foul odors that often accompany chicken roosts, primarily caused by the loads and loads of chicken shit that pile up as lazy hippies fail to clean the roosts promptly and adequately. Unfortunately, due to their lack of personal hygiene, hippies are unable to distinguish their own stench from that of their chickens, and inevitably reply, “What odor? I don’t smell anything…”

Six Packs

Hippies hate those little plastic thingies that hold six packs of beer or soda together. I don’t know what they are called, but those plastic thingies represent a mortal threat to various wildlife, according to hippies, so they must be destroyed. Hippies all over the Northwest spend entire days busily cutting up those little plastic thingies, making sure that there are no intact holes remaining that might ensnare the mouth/beak/muzzle/gills/whatever of any living creature. Which, apparently, happens when the discarded little plastic thingies end up in the streams/lakes/rivers/oceans of the world. Which, apparently, is just a guaranteed given. What I want to know is, if these little plastic thingies are such a threat, and are almost certainly guaranteed to end up in the streams/lakes/rivers/oceans of the world, why would any self-respecting hippie ever buy a can of beer or soda, thus contributing to the problem? Cuz it seems I see them everywhere, sipping thirst-quenching beverages out of aluminum cans while sporting tie-dye shirts and Birkenstocks and toting their drums around Portland. Hmm…

Bean Bags

Hippies love bean bag chairs, and will often have two or three of them strategically placed in their bedrooms. They find bean bags offer the perfect conduit for lazily slacking away the day. They are cushy, mushy, squishy, and easily moldable to whatever body type and physical shape or position the user has. This makes them ideal for laying on/sitting on while stoned on psychotropic substances, as such drug users often have difficulty maintaining correct posture and positioning in standard chairs, couches or other pieces of furniture. And they come in a wide variety of colors and patterns which, when combined with black lights, provide hours of entertainment for doped out hippies.

Black Lights and Lava Lamps

Aside from a water pipe, there are two accessories that you will find in just about every hippie’s home: a lava lamp and a black light. Both originated back in the 60’s, and were developed for one specific purpose: to “trip out on” while under the influence of mind-altering substances. The lava lamp makes little blobs of goo float up and down through a flask of oil situated over a light bulb. The black light imparts a purplish haze throughout the room that allows certain colors to become enhanced, while other colors remain dark. Both are considered groovy when high. There are lots of posters depicting hippie-era musical acts – like Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, the Doors, the Beatles, and so on – specifically designed to be viewed under a black light. Combined with the oddly-shaped goo blobs in the lava lamp, the black light provides stoned out hippies with hours of entertainment, as they stare intently at the posters and goo blobs, finding “hidden” shapes and messages planted there by hippies of old who, most certainly, were high when they created them. Of course, when the dope wears off, the messages and shapes are gone, leading the hippies to wonder, Were they ever really there? What a conundrum!

Water Pipes

Hippies have a special place in their hearts for water pipes. Known more commonly as bongs, water pipes facilitate the smoking of marijuana, sending the smoke through a chamber of water so that it is smoother and less harsh for the smoker’s lungs. The water, it is said, also removes some impurities and particulates from the smoke that are bad for the lungs. Thus, the water pipe is the instrument of choice for potheads, and they put much thought into choosing the right one. Typically, hippies purchase their water pipes at what’s known as a “head shop.” These places sell water pipes, regular pipes, rolling papers and all sorts of hippie accessories, like lava lamps, black lights, incense and Led Zeppelin posters. But they are very careful to note that such pipes and smoking devices are “for tobacco use only!” I don’t know exactly what the law is, but apparently it’s illegal to sell paraphernalia for the purposes of using drugs, so they pretend that their customers are going to smoke good old tobacco in these water pipes. Of course, tobacco is the furthest thing from the mind of the stoned out hippie who wanders in to one of these places. He can hardly suppress his giggles when he marvels at the rows and rows of ornate water pipes – made of hand-blown glass, or ceramics, or composite plastic, or even aluminum – and then notices the signs admonishing customers to refrain from referring to the inventory as “bongs.” They’re water pipes, after all!!! And they’re for smoking tobacco!!! Nothing nefarious going on here, officer!!!

Beads

Hippies love beads, and make a point of wearing beaded necklaces pretty much everywhere they go. Hippie chicks typically wear two or three beaded necklaces at a time, as well as beaded bracelets, anklets and maybe even beaded earrings. Hippie dudes, on the other hand, usually just wear a beaded necklace, most likely one made by his current or former hippie chick girlfriend. The exact cause of the hippies’ affinity for beads is unknown…maybe it has to do with India or something. But it does serve a higher purpose of sorts…hippies comprise the primary customer base for bead stores, keeping those folks in business despite an utterly unsound business model that would otherwise lead to failure, and financial devastation for the owners.

Debt

Hippies decry debt, and will do just about anything to avoid it. They feel strongly about this. They believe that owing money to someone else is a form of slavery…just another way in which The Man keeps the people under his mighty thumb. Thus, hippies tend not to own houses, use credit cards, or even borrow money to pay for college. While the rest of us see the advantages of taking on strategic debt – for example, student loans that enable us to earn degrees which lead to higher pay – hippies see only the short term bondage that comes with owing someone money. Granted, indebtedness does tend to hinder one’s freedom…one must work or otherwise come up with the money, month after month, to make the payments. And flying off to Ecuador – or Costa Rica or Peru or Indonesia or whatnot – on a moment’s whim does not lend itself to timely payments of mortgages. Thus, in a hippie’s eyes, the question of taking on debt, for whatever reason, becomes a choice between getting a real job, or continuing a lifestyle devoid of responsibility. As we know, the hippies tend to choose the latter.

Hot Springs

Hippies love going to hot springs and letting their hair down a bit while the soothing warm waters melt away the stress of a hard hippie day. The Northwest is filled with such hot springs, which are typically accessible by road or a short hike through the woods. Once there, most hippies prefer to get in naked. And once naked, most hippies tend to want to get their groove on, especially if no one else is around. Think about that next time you and your family want to get in and enjoy nature’s warmth…

Legal Pot

Hippies are all for the legalization of marijuana, and have worked stridently for decades to force the issue on voters. They have long made the case that pot has medicinal properties and that it should be allowed to be used by ill patients as they see fit. They have also long made the case that marijuana has so many industrial uses – rope, paper, clothing, oil, etc. – that it should be legal to grow it for those purposes as well. And of course, they have long contended that recreational use of pot should be legal because, just like alcohol, it’s a way for people to unwind and relax. On this point, they have all kinds of studies and statistics showing that alcohol – a legal drug – has far more negative health effects than pot, and exacts a far greater toll on society in general.

Well, guess what? In the Pacific Northwest, their arguments have gained ground in recent years, and in California, Oregon and Washington, medical marijuana is legal. Further, California is staring down the barrel of full legalization in an upcoming ballot measure that seems to have majority support. The hippies should be full of glee, yes? Shouting from the rooftops full of vindication for a fight that has gone on for decades! But are they? Well, not all of them. You see, the hippies that actually grow pot don’t want it to be legal. They are scared shitless at the moment, especially those in famed Humboldt County. Full legalization will destroy them, they say, because if just anybody could grow it, the state would see a huge oversupply of weed, bringing the costs down, while concurrently imposing taxes upon growers who, for decades, have worked under the table. It’s a double whammy, for sure. Thus, Humboldt County hippies – long stalwart proponents of legalization – are banding together to keep this innocuous weed from becoming legal. They have bumper stickers and signs in cafes stating “Save Humboldt County: Keep Pot Illegal.” It seems economics – making a killing on growing and selling an illegal substance – trumps all else in hippie land.

How’s that for hypocrisy?

Hating Cops

Hippies hate cops and law enforcement of all types. They feel persecuted by lawmen who search their hippie-mobiles for drugs and paraphernalia and, if they find it, write them tickets for possession of weed. It’s a hatred that goes back decades when the hippies of the 60’s got in physical conflicts with police officers across the land who would just as soon beat a long-haired with a billy club as they would help him cross the street. But these days, the situation has changed somewhat. Cops don’t crack hippie skulls anymore, they just search their vehicles. They generally take it easy on hippies, but when they do find something, they have to do something about it. This is yet another area that hippies just don’t seem to grasp the key concepts. The job of law enforcement is to catch criminals, and like it or not, hippies carrying dope around for recreational use ARE criminals. Why be mad at the cop? He’s just doing his job, man! (…to which the hippie inevitably replies, “yeah, so were the Nazi soldiers at Auschwitz!”)

Bacon

Hippies love bacon. Sure, many hippies are vegetarian, and some even vegan, but in the bottom of their hearts, they love bacon. And why not? It’s greasy, smoky, yummy fun. It’s the key ingredient in so many wonderful dishes, such as bacon cheeseburgers, bacon and eggs, bacon gravy, and bacon-wrapped bacon, among others. It’s the perfect camping food, as well. Many times, tree-sitting hippies will actually come down from their perches when they sniff the scent of smoky bacon sizzling over a campfire nearby. Urban hippies intentionally site their drum circles near breakfast cafes in hopes of catching the aroma as it wafts by. It is the meat product that has the highest success rate in converting tofu-loving vegetarians into carnivorous beasts, and is especially effective on particularly hungry hippies. So next time you are out camping, be sure to check the area for tree-sitters and other hippies…cuz they just might come down and swipe your vittles.

Kentucky Fried Chicken

Hippies hate Kentucky Fried Chicken, and they hate it with a passion. I think it has something to do with the way in which KFC and its suppliers treat the chickens that are ultimately served up in the restaurants…they raise them in tiny cages and don’t feed them good, or something like that. Oh, and the workers at the chicken farms use the sick little chicks like soccer balls, kicking them around the yard on lunch breaks. Whatever. It is striking that they get so uppity about a few yardbirds being whacked around, yet don’t give a hoot about Wilbur and the other cuddly pigs on the local farm that get slaughtered for the hippies’ enjoyment of bacon. Hypocrites!

Yerba Mate

Hippies love yerba mate, a tea-like beverage originating from South America that contains caffeine and some other stuff that its proponents say make it better for you than regular coffee. Whatever. It tastes terrible, smells awful and really should be avoided at all costs. Sucking on bark from a tree in Portland’s Laurelhurst Park would be infinitely more pleasant. But it is a popular local drink in such countries as Bolivia, Argentina, Paraguay, Uruguay and Brazil and thus, with such a diverse and “ethnic” background, Northwest hippies of course embrace it fully.

Yoga

Hippies enjoy doing yoga, which involves a series of stretches and physical poses that is supposed to be good for the mind and body…good for the body by exercising different muscles and muscle groups, and good for the mind by providing a calming and, supposedly, enlightening period in which one can venture into “inner space” and achieve spiritual healing and invigoration. Really, it’s just an excuse to wear leotards and roll around on the floor.

Hackey Sack

Hippies don’t go in for sports all that much. They don’t follow soccer, or football, or basketball, or even baseball, the official national pastime. But they do enjoy hackey sack, which involves a group of hippies – typically male – bouncing a small bean bag around in a circle, trying not to let the sack hit the ground. It differs from traditional sports in that there are no “sides” or teams per se…everyone in the group is working together for a common cause, and there is no winner or loser. ..except the schmuck who fails and lets the sack hit the ground. That guy usually gets his ass kicked…

Smoking

Regardless of their penchant for healthy, natural living, many hippie chicks smoke. But in order to avoid the banality and “conformism” that accompanies typical cigarette smoking, hippie chicks smoke different stuff…primarily, beedies and clove cigarettes. Beedies are small, filter-less flavored cigarettes originating from India. They are rolled in a tendu leaf, instead of paper, and tied together with a small string. Cloves, on the other hand, are more familiar with American audiences, although they originate from Indonesia. They include a mixture of clove spices and tobacco, and are often rolled in sheet tobacco instead of paper. Both types of cigarettes release pungent and generally unappealing odors, but hippie chicks would rather smoke these than regular cigarettes because, well, they’re “ethnic.” And as we all know, hippies love anything ethnic…carcinogenic or not.