Punch-a-Hippie Day

BREAKING NEWS: WASHINGTON - Today President Obama declared June 30 to be “National Punch-a-Hippie Day” in honor of his administration’s moratorium on offshore drilling following the massive oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico.

“As many Presidents have said before, the buck stops here,” Mr. Obama said, in taking full responsibility for the moratorium, which will put thousands out of work in Mississippi, Alabama and Louisiana.

“While I cannot erase the harm that has been done, I can provide this one small gesture: On June 30, frustrated - and unemployed - citizens of the Gulf states may take out their anger on the nearest hippie-dippy environmentalist they come across. Go ahead, give ‘em a whack! We will not prosecute you!”

Naturally, national environmental groups criticized the president for his comments, arguing that it wasn’t their fault and that singling hippies out for retribution amounted to discrimination.

“While stopping offshore drilling has long been a goal of our organization, the President’s moratorium policy was developed and implemented without any consultation with us,” said James Buttercup, executive director of Hippies Against Oil.

“To condone violence upon our kind is not only irresponsible, but may well be the political death knell for this President,” Buttercup added.

David Axelrod, Mr. Obama’s chief political advisor, said much of the Gulf oil disaster could rightly be laid at the feet of organizations such as Buttercup’s, which have lobbied long and hard against drilling on land and in shallower waters, where emergency response capabilities would have made it much easier to contain a spill of this magnitude.

“I think, clearly, if the hippies had simply let the oil companies drill in ANWR, we wouldn’t be facing this situation today,” said Axelrod.

“Literally everyone else involved in this - BP, the White House, the MMS - has acknowledged their culpability and accepted responsibility for their roles in this fiasco,” Axelrod said. “It’s now time for the environmental lobby to do the same.”

Addicted to Oil

Hippies the world over are crying foul over the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. The pollution will destroy wildlife for decades in the region, they say. The spill–the worst environmental disaster in the nation’s history–offers a clear glimpse of the dangers we face due to our addiction to oil, they say. It is, after all, a complete vindication of what the hippies have said for decades…oil is dirty! Extracting it is harmful to the environment! It can’t be done “in an environmentally responsible way” as oil execs have long argued! Well, guess what? Those hippies will need to make some serious changes if the oil stops flowing. Let’s have a look at some of the products that hippies use and/or consume that are derived from oil:

· Plastic water pipes.

· Bean bags.

· Lava lamps.

· CDs.

· iPods and iPhones.

· Snowboards and skis.

· Ziplock baggies (for their weed).

· Airplane fuel (for their trips abroad to “find themselves”).

· The plastic containers that hold hummus, baba ganoush, tabouli, tofu, and just about every other food stuff that hippies eat.

· Nalgene water bottles.

· Backpacks.

· Flip flops.

· Birkenstocks.

· Condoms.

· Tatoo ink.

The list goes on and on. If hippies really want to wean the country off oil, they should put their money where their mouth is and give all this shit up!