Punch-a-Hippie Day

BREAKING NEWS: WASHINGTON - Today President Obama declared June 30 to be “National Punch-a-Hippie Day” in honor of his administration’s moratorium on offshore drilling following the massive oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico.

“As many Presidents have said before, the buck stops here,” Mr. Obama said, in taking full responsibility for the moratorium, which will put thousands out of work in Mississippi, Alabama and Louisiana.

“While I cannot erase the harm that has been done, I can provide this one small gesture: On June 30, frustrated - and unemployed - citizens of the Gulf states may take out their anger on the nearest hippie-dippy environmentalist they come across. Go ahead, give ‘em a whack! We will not prosecute you!”

Naturally, national environmental groups criticized the president for his comments, arguing that it wasn’t their fault and that singling hippies out for retribution amounted to discrimination.

“While stopping offshore drilling has long been a goal of our organization, the President’s moratorium policy was developed and implemented without any consultation with us,” said James Buttercup, executive director of Hippies Against Oil.

“To condone violence upon our kind is not only irresponsible, but may well be the political death knell for this President,” Buttercup added.

David Axelrod, Mr. Obama’s chief political advisor, said much of the Gulf oil disaster could rightly be laid at the feet of organizations such as Buttercup’s, which have lobbied long and hard against drilling on land and in shallower waters, where emergency response capabilities would have made it much easier to contain a spill of this magnitude.

“I think, clearly, if the hippies had simply let the oil companies drill in ANWR, we wouldn’t be facing this situation today,” said Axelrod.

“Literally everyone else involved in this - BP, the White House, the MMS - has acknowledged their culpability and accepted responsibility for their roles in this fiasco,” Axelrod said. “It’s now time for the environmental lobby to do the same.”

Legal Pot

Hippies are all for the legalization of marijuana, and have worked stridently for decades to force the issue on voters. They have long made the case that pot has medicinal properties and that it should be allowed to be used by ill patients as they see fit. They have also long made the case that marijuana has so many industrial uses – rope, paper, clothing, oil, etc. – that it should be legal to grow it for those purposes as well. And of course, they have long contended that recreational use of pot should be legal because, just like alcohol, it’s a way for people to unwind and relax. On this point, they have all kinds of studies and statistics showing that alcohol – a legal drug – has far more negative health effects than pot, and exacts a far greater toll on society in general.

Well, guess what? In the Pacific Northwest, their arguments have gained ground in recent years, and in California, Oregon and Washington, medical marijuana is legal. Further, California is staring down the barrel of full legalization in an upcoming ballot measure that seems to have majority support. The hippies should be full of glee, yes? Shouting from the rooftops full of vindication for a fight that has gone on for decades! But are they? Well, not all of them. You see, the hippies that actually grow pot don’t want it to be legal. They are scared shitless at the moment, especially those in famed Humboldt County. Full legalization will destroy them, they say, because if just anybody could grow it, the state would see a huge oversupply of weed, bringing the costs down, while concurrently imposing taxes upon growers who, for decades, have worked under the table. It’s a double whammy, for sure. Thus, Humboldt County hippies – long stalwart proponents of legalization – are banding together to keep this innocuous weed from becoming legal. They have bumper stickers and signs in cafes stating “Save Humboldt County: Keep Pot Illegal.” It seems economics – making a killing on growing and selling an illegal substance – trumps all else in hippie land.

How’s that for hypocrisy?

Hating Cops

Hippies hate cops and law enforcement of all types. They feel persecuted by lawmen who search their hippie-mobiles for drugs and paraphernalia and, if they find it, write them tickets for possession of weed. It’s a hatred that goes back decades when the hippies of the 60’s got in physical conflicts with police officers across the land who would just as soon beat a long-haired with a billy club as they would help him cross the street. But these days, the situation has changed somewhat. Cops don’t crack hippie skulls anymore, they just search their vehicles. They generally take it easy on hippies, but when they do find something, they have to do something about it. This is yet another area that hippies just don’t seem to grasp the key concepts. The job of law enforcement is to catch criminals, and like it or not, hippies carrying dope around for recreational use ARE criminals. Why be mad at the cop? He’s just doing his job, man! (…to which the hippie inevitably replies, “yeah, so were the Nazi soldiers at Auschwitz!”)

Kentucky Fried Chicken

Hippies hate Kentucky Fried Chicken, and they hate it with a passion. I think it has something to do with the way in which KFC and its suppliers treat the chickens that are ultimately served up in the restaurants…they raise them in tiny cages and don’t feed them good, or something like that. Oh, and the workers at the chicken farms use the sick little chicks like soccer balls, kicking them around the yard on lunch breaks. Whatever. It is striking that they get so uppity about a few yardbirds being whacked around, yet don’t give a hoot about Wilbur and the other cuddly pigs on the local farm that get slaughtered for the hippies’ enjoyment of bacon. Hypocrites!

Religion and Nature

Hippies generally decry organized religion, believing instead that spirituality needs no structure or dogma to be relevant and helpful to those who practice it. They prefer to develop their own relationship with a higher power, which for hippies generally means nature, or Gaia, the mother of all things natural. Nature worship, for what it’s worth, doesn’t place any restrictions on humans insofar as morals go. The only precept in nature worship is to treat the earth and its inhabitants well, with respect and all that. Yet, as we have discussed on previous posts, hippies do all kinds of terrible things to nature, such as: freaking out animals with their dope smoking and their drum circles, pillaging the rainforest in search of patchouli, polluting the air with Subarus, utilizing roads cut through pristine forests, withholding vital nutrients from landfills, eating threatened or endangered species, allowing the slaughter of vast crops of plantlife in order to make fuel, allowing the senseless deaths of critters great and small through protection of dangerous carnivorous animals, chopping down perfectly good trees to make plush, three-ply toilet paper, and discharging dangerous chemicals through their urine that eventually cause genetic mutations in fish and other aquatic life. I don’t know what the nature worshiping version of hell is, but clearly hippies are going there, lickity split…

Fighting the Man

Hippies have a long history of “Taking on The Man.” The Man, for what it’s worth, represents the evil nexus between government, corporate and institutional structures that are responsible for keeping the status quo in society, or as the hippies say it, “keeping a brother down. “ The only problem is, this is 2010, and The Man, as it were, is now run by the first generation of hippies – those from the 60’s and 70’s who currently occupy leadership positions in government, business and academia. Thus, modern day hippies are fighting simply older versions of themselves. Clearly, something happens to hippies as they age. They may have started out as cutting edge activists taunting the status quo, but they end up doing TV commercials for financial advisory services for aging boomers looking at retirement. It makes perfect sense that today’s hippies will change as well, slowly morphing into The Man, and that their children will end up taking them on come 20 or 30 years. Thus the endless cycle of hippie-upon-hippie violence…when will it stop!