Forests

Hippies love spending their down time in the forest, where they admire nature’s beauty, take stock of their lives, and generally sit around and do not much of anything. True, trees are pretty and the various natural critters milling about in the forest are fun to watch. But hippies take this one step further: They “bond” with nature in such ways. They claim to gain insight into how “connected” we all are to one another, to the trees and forest, to the streams that meander through them, and to nature as a whole. Well, that’s all well and good. But then they do the unthinkable: they smoke dope. They roll doobies and smoke their weed right there in the middle of the forest, releasing pungent secondhand smoke to fill the lungs of countless poor forest critters. As far as the critters are concerned, the only time there’s smoke in the woods, it means there’s a fire. And if there’s a fire, they should flee, quickly. Thus, whenever hippies light up their blunts, they inadvertently frighten away the very nature that they came to the forest to see. Silly hippies!

Road Rules

Hippies hate logging roads, and were a vocal support contingent when President Clinton implemented the Roadless Rule that banned new logging road construction in the nation’s wilderness areas. Yet, hippies are some of the heaviest users of the nation’s logging roads. They love to go camping and backpacking and snowshoeing and all that, and the best spots to go are often accessible only because of roads that were initially developed for logging. Just think how many new and exciting camping spots would be accessible if more roads were constructed! Damn hippies…

Patchouli and the Rainforest

Hippies love water conservation. So much so, that they intentionally skip showers, trying to wash themselves only every few days or so. To counteract the natural odor that accompanies poor personal hygiene, hippies wear lots of patchouli-scented perfume. But few hippies realize that patchouli is derived from a rare Amazonian wildflower, and that vast armies of Brazilians are employed to rape the rainforest in search of this flower. In fact, according to reliable sources, more rainforest acreage is destroyed each year from patchouli harvesting than road building and agricultural land clearing. Hmmm…if only hippies would shower!

Saving the Trees

Hippies like to save trees. They even have a profession known as tree-sitting, wherein said hippies climb trees and hang out, doing nothing for a few weeks (which isn’t really a stretch, considering their daily routines). The point is to stop, or at least slow down, logging of the nation’s forests. But if you’ve ever been in a hippie’s home, you’ll notice they have the softest, plushest toilet paper money can buy, instead of, say, the cheapo single ply stuff that does the same thing using half the resources. I guess they don’t mind logging the toilet paper trees…