Backyard Chickens

Northwest hippies love the concept of keeping hens as pets and harvesting the eggs they produce. Sure, such “farm fresh” eggs taste better than the mass-produced ones, and if they are coming from your own hens, they’re cheap, too. But for some reason, regular folks pooh-pooh the idea of allowing city dwellers to keep hens in their backyards. These opponents cite the foul odors that often accompany chicken roosts, primarily caused by the loads and loads of chicken shit that pile up as lazy hippies fail to clean the roosts promptly and adequately. Unfortunately, due to their lack of personal hygiene, hippies are unable to distinguish their own stench from that of their chickens, and inevitably reply, “What odor? I don’t smell anything…”

Six Packs

Hippies hate those little plastic thingies that hold six packs of beer or soda together. I don’t know what they are called, but those plastic thingies represent a mortal threat to various wildlife, according to hippies, so they must be destroyed. Hippies all over the Northwest spend entire days busily cutting up those little plastic thingies, making sure that there are no intact holes remaining that might ensnare the mouth/beak/muzzle/gills/whatever of any living creature. Which, apparently, happens when the discarded little plastic thingies end up in the streams/lakes/rivers/oceans of the world. Which, apparently, is just a guaranteed given. What I want to know is, if these little plastic thingies are such a threat, and are almost certainly guaranteed to end up in the streams/lakes/rivers/oceans of the world, why would any self-respecting hippie ever buy a can of beer or soda, thus contributing to the problem? Cuz it seems I see them everywhere, sipping thirst-quenching beverages out of aluminum cans while sporting tie-dye shirts and Birkenstocks and toting their drums around Portland. Hmm…

Bacon

Hippies love bacon. Sure, many hippies are vegetarian, and some even vegan, but in the bottom of their hearts, they love bacon. And why not? It’s greasy, smoky, yummy fun. It’s the key ingredient in so many wonderful dishes, such as bacon cheeseburgers, bacon and eggs, bacon gravy, and bacon-wrapped bacon, among others. It’s the perfect camping food, as well. Many times, tree-sitting hippies will actually come down from their perches when they sniff the scent of smoky bacon sizzling over a campfire nearby. Urban hippies intentionally site their drum circles near breakfast cafes in hopes of catching the aroma as it wafts by. It is the meat product that has the highest success rate in converting tofu-loving vegetarians into carnivorous beasts, and is especially effective on particularly hungry hippies. So next time you are out camping, be sure to check the area for tree-sitters and other hippies…cuz they just might come down and swipe your vittles.

Kentucky Fried Chicken

Hippies hate Kentucky Fried Chicken, and they hate it with a passion. I think it has something to do with the way in which KFC and its suppliers treat the chickens that are ultimately served up in the restaurants…they raise them in tiny cages and don’t feed them good, or something like that. Oh, and the workers at the chicken farms use the sick little chicks like soccer balls, kicking them around the yard on lunch breaks. Whatever. It is striking that they get so uppity about a few yardbirds being whacked around, yet don’t give a hoot about Wilbur and the other cuddly pigs on the local farm that get slaughtered for the hippies’ enjoyment of bacon. Hypocrites!

Yerba Mate

Hippies love yerba mate, a tea-like beverage originating from South America that contains caffeine and some other stuff that its proponents say make it better for you than regular coffee. Whatever. It tastes terrible, smells awful and really should be avoided at all costs. Sucking on bark from a tree in Portland’s Laurelhurst Park would be infinitely more pleasant. But it is a popular local drink in such countries as Bolivia, Argentina, Paraguay, Uruguay and Brazil and thus, with such a diverse and “ethnic” background, Northwest hippies of course embrace it fully.

Hummus

Hippies love hummus and can reliably be expected to have a tub of it in their fridge at any given moment. Hummus, in case you are not familiar with it, is basically ground up garbanzo beans mixed in with garlic and other flavorings. For some reason, hippies believe this substance is really tasty and appropriate for dipping bread, pitas and other foodstuffs into it. For regular folks, though, it’s simply a grainy, bland glop of goop that gives you bad breath if consumed, reflecting a fundamental problem with hippies’ approach to food: Just because it’s from another country does NOT mean it’s good to eat.

Work

Hippies generally disdain work, but if they do work, it’s inevitably under the table. You see, hippies can’t be bothered to pay taxes, or Social Security or Medicare…that’s for losers and conformist members of “the establishment.” Instead, they seek positions that will allow them to bring in some dough without the big, bad government hearing about it. Like part-time flower pickers, or manning the kiosk at the local farmer’s market. One of the best is a waiter/waitress gig at a small café or hippie food shop. Such places have such high turnover – due to the hiring of unreliable hippies – that the owners usually don’t bother filling out paperwork for their employees, which is the perfect setup for hippies: Not only do they get out of paying taxes on their hourly wages, but they get tips, too, which are virtually tax-free anyway due to rampant underreporting industry-wide. Of course, spending a lifetime working for peanuts and paying nothing into Social Security means no retirement income for these folks, but who cares? They hope they die before they get old!

Communal Living

Hippies enjoy living with other hippies. The original hippies of the 60’s often chose to live on communes where they shared food and living quarters with other like-mined souls, while today’s hippies tend to live in small apartments with five or six to a room, sleeping on couches and chairs and floors as space allows. These modern hippies, like their predecessors, don’t require much privacy in their domestic lives, as just about everything they do is done together as a group…from forming drum circles to panhandling, selling burritos at the park to manufacturing an array of tye-dye scarves to sell in the streets, they operate as a cohesive whole, pooling individual talents to achieve a common goal. Thus, back in the apartment, there’s nothing to hide and therefore, no reason for privacy. That is, except when they’re pooping. Even hippies shy away from pooping in front of others…

Dam Breaching

Hippies decry artificial dams and are a great supporter of efforts to breach dams in the Pacific Northwest. Their reasoning goes something like this: Dams make it difficult for salmon to get downstream while young, and upstream while mature, leading to ever dwindling populations of wild salmon. Their solution – dam breaching – means tearing down dams that often are used to produce hydroelectric power, one the most “clean” sources of power around. It is startling that hippies advocate such a position, seeing as the lost power would ultimately be replaced by fossil-fuel burning sources (which contribute to global warming, which raises sea levels, which will kill millions in Bangladesh.) But what is even more startling is the amount of salmon the average hippie eats annually. These guys love it on their bagels (a hippie favorite), smoked and mixed in with some cream cheese, or simply grilled on cedar planks on a barbeque. It is estimated that each Northwest hippie eats close to his/her total weight in salmon each year. If they would simply switch to, say, tuna, there would be no need for dam breaching in the first place! Silly hippies…

Buying Local

When it comes to food, hippies love the concept of “buying local,” a term that refers to purchasing locally-made products. This ranges from fruits and vegetables to dairy, eggs, and meat and poultry. The idea is that by purchasing from local companies that manufacture these products, you are reducing your “carbon footprint” because the items don’t have to be transported over vast distances to get to your store or retail outlet. Another benefit, the hippies argue, is that it helps create economic vitality and vibrancy in the local community, as small local producers and manufacturers can effectively compete against giant multinational companies located thousands of miles away, and these local producers then spend their money at other local shops, and on and on down the line, keeping that money in the community. The problem, though, is that some geographic areas simply aren’t positioned well enough to support certain types of products – for example, bananas don’t grow well in Eastern Oregon, and rice doesn’t grow well in Alaska. So what’s a person to do? Change their diet? Eat ONLY foods that can be grown in your local climate? I dunno, but it sounds kinda like….Socialism!!!! Ahhhhhhh! Socialism!!!! Noooooo!!!! Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!