Golf Courses

Hippies hate golf courses, and the game of golf in general. They hate the courses because they require tons of water and chemicals to keep the grass green and free of unwanted pests. As well, they say, golf course construction destroys natural areas that would otherwise play host to tons of critters and native wildlife. They hate the game of golf for different reasons, namely that it is a sport principally enjoyed by the moneyed class and, especially, the good-ole-boy network of corporate executives, politicians and other power brokers that has made positive social change so difficult to attain in myriad areas. Well, they might have a point on that last bit. But as for the environmental stuff, I dunno. Hippies seem to like their big urban parks, with nicely mown lawns and pruned hedges and trimmed trees and groomed walking paths. Really, just take out the tee box from the local golf links and it would look just like Portland’s Laurelhurst Park. And I never hear the hippies complaining about Laurelhurst Park…

Backyard Chickens

Northwest hippies love the concept of keeping hens as pets and harvesting the eggs they produce. Sure, such “farm fresh” eggs taste better than the mass-produced ones, and if they are coming from your own hens, they’re cheap, too. But for some reason, regular folks pooh-pooh the idea of allowing city dwellers to keep hens in their backyards. These opponents cite the foul odors that often accompany chicken roosts, primarily caused by the loads and loads of chicken shit that pile up as lazy hippies fail to clean the roosts promptly and adequately. Unfortunately, due to their lack of personal hygiene, hippies are unable to distinguish their own stench from that of their chickens, and inevitably reply, “What odor? I don’t smell anything…”

Six Packs

Hippies hate those little plastic thingies that hold six packs of beer or soda together. I don’t know what they are called, but those plastic thingies represent a mortal threat to various wildlife, according to hippies, so they must be destroyed. Hippies all over the Northwest spend entire days busily cutting up those little plastic thingies, making sure that there are no intact holes remaining that might ensnare the mouth/beak/muzzle/gills/whatever of any living creature. Which, apparently, happens when the discarded little plastic thingies end up in the streams/lakes/rivers/oceans of the world. Which, apparently, is just a guaranteed given. What I want to know is, if these little plastic thingies are such a threat, and are almost certainly guaranteed to end up in the streams/lakes/rivers/oceans of the world, why would any self-respecting hippie ever buy a can of beer or soda, thus contributing to the problem? Cuz it seems I see them everywhere, sipping thirst-quenching beverages out of aluminum cans while sporting tie-dye shirts and Birkenstocks and toting their drums around Portland. Hmm…

Yerba Mate

Hippies love yerba mate, a tea-like beverage originating from South America that contains caffeine and some other stuff that its proponents say make it better for you than regular coffee. Whatever. It tastes terrible, smells awful and really should be avoided at all costs. Sucking on bark from a tree in Portland’s Laurelhurst Park would be infinitely more pleasant. But it is a popular local drink in such countries as Bolivia, Argentina, Paraguay, Uruguay and Brazil and thus, with such a diverse and “ethnic” background, Northwest hippies of course embrace it fully.

Smoking

Regardless of their penchant for healthy, natural living, many hippie chicks smoke. But in order to avoid the banality and “conformism” that accompanies typical cigarette smoking, hippie chicks smoke different stuff…primarily, beedies and clove cigarettes. Beedies are small, filter-less flavored cigarettes originating from India. They are rolled in a tendu leaf, instead of paper, and tied together with a small string. Cloves, on the other hand, are more familiar with American audiences, although they originate from Indonesia. They include a mixture of clove spices and tobacco, and are often rolled in sheet tobacco instead of paper. Both types of cigarettes release pungent and generally unappealing odors, but hippie chicks would rather smoke these than regular cigarettes because, well, they’re “ethnic.” And as we all know, hippies love anything ethnic…carcinogenic or not.

Cesar Chavez

Hippies love Cesar Chavez and consider him to be an inspirational figure for the social justice movement. Surely, he was an accomplished man, founding the United Farm Workers labor union and galvanizing support for worker’s rights in the agricultural community. But why are Northwest hippies so enamored with this guy? I mean, they want to name a road after this guy in Portland? It’s not like he invented the wheel or anything…all he did was make grapes more expensive.

Hippie Art

Hippies love art, and in most cases, they consider themselves to be artists of some sort. Whether their “art” is watercolors or sculpture or poems or drawing or pottery, the typical hippie believes that he or she has an artistic talent that must be shared with the world. They hang their watercolor paintings on the walls of their homes, they serve hummus and pita chips on their freshly glazed pottery, they recite their unique poems to small crowds of other hippies, they display their black-and-white drawings on the bulletin boards in their favorite hippie hang outs. Of course, if they were actually any good at any of these things, they would get paid good sums of hard currency for them. But alas, the typical piece of hippie art has little value in the real world, and can at best command a veggie burrito in exchange. This doesn’t deter the hippies from trying, though…they are a resilient bunch!

Barefoot in the Park

Hippies love to go barefoot, especially in public places that would otherwise demand footwear. They enjoy donning nothing but their bare soles while toodling about downtown, on trains and buses, in the grocery store, and in other public spaces of Portland and other Northwest hippie enclaves. They proudly display their dirty, graying feet and toes while sitting on tye-dye blankets and strumming cheap guitars while singing Joni Mitchell songs and cooking tabouli on a camp stove in the park. They speak excitedly about the calluses that build up on the bottoms of their hardened feet, picking at them like war wounds that have yet to heal completely. Yet, the reasons behind this lifestyle choice escape me. Do they think shoes are bad for the environment? Is it another one of those “natural is better” things? Are they simply preparing themselves for a fast-approaching world in which footwear is in short supply? If so, where do they come by this knowledge? These are the questions that keep me awake at night…

Subarus and Snowsports

While most hippies don’t own cars, preferring instead to walk, bike or utilize public transportation to get to their destinations, those that do own a car inevitably purchase a Subaru. True, previous generations of hippies relied on the ubiquitous VW Bus, but this generation needs more oomph. They believe that the Outback and the Forester offer superior all wheel drive traction much needed in the Pacific Northwest, while still retaining a decent miles per gallon rating. Of course, these hippies wouldn’t really need all wheel drive if they didn’t participate in such bourgeois activities as snowboarding, skiing and snowshoeing. Nope, these hippies could get by with a Hyundai Accent, which gets far better MPG than a Subaru. But no, they gotta get their groove on up on the slopes. It seems the environment takes a back seat to snowsports for these hippies…too bad, really, since the excess fossil fuels spewed by their Subaru’s are actually raising temperatures in the mountains, which will eventually mean less snow and worse skiing conditions down the line. But alas, that’s for future hippies to worry about…

Dread Natty Dread

Hippies dig dreadlocks. It’s true. Dreadlocks – essentially, long sticky knots of hair that are so tangled up that even God couldn’t get them straight – are seen as the mark of true commitment to the hippie cause. After all, the longer the dreads, the longer the hippie has bucked authority and societal mores. The longer the hippie has been avoiding the materialistic drudgery of the modern world. The longer he or she has been Taking on The Man. Dreadlocks originated in Jamaica as part of the Rastafarian religion – really, just a sham of an excuse for smoking prodigious amounts of marijuana – but quickly became a part of the Northwest hippie culture, even though the Northwest hippie doesn’t really follow Rastafarian ways – except the weed-smoking. Nope, hippie dreadlocks in the Northwest are just another example of a wealthy culture co-opting – and bastardizing – the ways of a poorer culture. It happens all the time, and is often referred to as the “American-ization” of something. Like Mexican food in the Northwest…it resembles nothing like true Mexican food, it’s been modified to please our very non-Mexican palates. Ironically, hippies usually hate the American-ization of other cultures, preferring instead “authentic” cultural experiences. But in the case of dreadlocks, I guess they make an exception.

Tatoos

Hippies love tattoos, especially ones that depict some aspect of the natural world, or pagan god of nature or environment. A common tattoo for hippie chicks is a flower, or chain of flowers, while hippie dudes prefer marijuana leaves, mushrooms, or other drug references. But hippies don’t seem to understand that this penchant for tattoos goes against the very nature of “natural,” a key component of hippie philosophy. Hippies love natural foods, natural hair growth, natural medicines, protection of nature, and otherwise anything that has the term “natural” in it. Yet, injecting an ink under your skin to permanently memorialize your devotion to weed is about as unnatural as you can get. No one is born with tattoos…unless you consider birth marks to be tattoos. It is unnatural, alien, and even somewhat “industrial” to have yourself branded in such a way. Oh irony…

Bikes are Bad

Hippies love bicycles. They ride them everywhere in Portland, and whenever a collision occurs between auto and bicycle, the auto gets blamed, no matter what. Anyhow, the theory is that bicycling reduces your carbon footprint because you don’t use any carbon-based energy to ride a bike. But, unfortunately, physics sheds some light on this fallacy of a theory. Because, the person peddling the bike uses energy he or she gleaned from eating food. Which means that the person eats more, in order to power that bicycle. Which means more resources being used to do it. Resources like water, fertilizers, and gasoline to grow and transport that food to market. Which means more carbon emissions, leading to rising sea levels, which are killing millions in Bangladesh. Thus, bicycle riders are killing millions in Bangladesh! Where’s the outrage!?!

Televisions

I saw a bumper sticker on a hippie car in Portland that said, “Destroy Your TV.” Evidently, this hippie doesn’t care about the toxic compounds in the TV that will be sent to the landfill, the toxics which will leach into the groundwater, which will be consumed by unsuspecting citizens of Portland or some other town some other day, long off into the future. Nope, this hippie doesn’t care about those things.