Golf Courses

Hippies hate golf courses, and the game of golf in general. They hate the courses because they require tons of water and chemicals to keep the grass green and free of unwanted pests. As well, they say, golf course construction destroys natural areas that would otherwise play host to tons of critters and native wildlife. They hate the game of golf for different reasons, namely that it is a sport principally enjoyed by the moneyed class and, especially, the good-ole-boy network of corporate executives, politicians and other power brokers that has made positive social change so difficult to attain in myriad areas. Well, they might have a point on that last bit. But as for the environmental stuff, I dunno. Hippies seem to like their big urban parks, with nicely mown lawns and pruned hedges and trimmed trees and groomed walking paths. Really, just take out the tee box from the local golf links and it would look just like Portland’s Laurelhurst Park. And I never hear the hippies complaining about Laurelhurst Park…

Subarus and Snowsports

While most hippies don’t own cars, preferring instead to walk, bike or utilize public transportation to get to their destinations, those that do own a car inevitably purchase a Subaru. True, previous generations of hippies relied on the ubiquitous VW Bus, but this generation needs more oomph. They believe that the Outback and the Forester offer superior all wheel drive traction much needed in the Pacific Northwest, while still retaining a decent miles per gallon rating. Of course, these hippies wouldn’t really need all wheel drive if they didn’t participate in such bourgeois activities as snowboarding, skiing and snowshoeing. Nope, these hippies could get by with a Hyundai Accent, which gets far better MPG than a Subaru. But no, they gotta get their groove on up on the slopes. It seems the environment takes a back seat to snowsports for these hippies…too bad, really, since the excess fossil fuels spewed by their Subaru’s are actually raising temperatures in the mountains, which will eventually mean less snow and worse skiing conditions down the line. But alas, that’s for future hippies to worry about…

Buying Local

When it comes to food, hippies love the concept of “buying local,” a term that refers to purchasing locally-made products. This ranges from fruits and vegetables to dairy, eggs, and meat and poultry. The idea is that by purchasing from local companies that manufacture these products, you are reducing your “carbon footprint” because the items don’t have to be transported over vast distances to get to your store or retail outlet. Another benefit, the hippies argue, is that it helps create economic vitality and vibrancy in the local community, as small local producers and manufacturers can effectively compete against giant multinational companies located thousands of miles away, and these local producers then spend their money at other local shops, and on and on down the line, keeping that money in the community. The problem, though, is that some geographic areas simply aren’t positioned well enough to support certain types of products – for example, bananas don’t grow well in Eastern Oregon, and rice doesn’t grow well in Alaska. So what’s a person to do? Change their diet? Eat ONLY foods that can be grown in your local climate? I dunno, but it sounds kinda like….Socialism!!!! Ahhhhhhh! Socialism!!!! Noooooo!!!! Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!

Bikes are Bad

Hippies love bicycles. They ride them everywhere in Portland, and whenever a collision occurs between auto and bicycle, the auto gets blamed, no matter what. Anyhow, the theory is that bicycling reduces your carbon footprint because you don’t use any carbon-based energy to ride a bike. But, unfortunately, physics sheds some light on this fallacy of a theory. Because, the person peddling the bike uses energy he or she gleaned from eating food. Which means that the person eats more, in order to power that bicycle. Which means more resources being used to do it. Resources like water, fertilizers, and gasoline to grow and transport that food to market. Which means more carbon emissions, leading to rising sea levels, which are killing millions in Bangladesh. Thus, bicycle riders are killing millions in Bangladesh! Where’s the outrage!?!