Religion and Nature

Hippies generally decry organized religion, believing instead that spirituality needs no structure or dogma to be relevant and helpful to those who practice it. They prefer to develop their own relationship with a higher power, which for hippies generally means nature, or Gaia, the mother of all things natural. Nature worship, for what it’s worth, doesn’t place any restrictions on humans insofar as morals go. The only precept in nature worship is to treat the earth and its inhabitants well, with respect and all that. Yet, as we have discussed on previous posts, hippies do all kinds of terrible things to nature, such as: freaking out animals with their dope smoking and their drum circles, pillaging the rainforest in search of patchouli, polluting the air with Subarus, utilizing roads cut through pristine forests, withholding vital nutrients from landfills, eating threatened or endangered species, allowing the slaughter of vast crops of plantlife in order to make fuel, allowing the senseless deaths of critters great and small through protection of dangerous carnivorous animals, chopping down perfectly good trees to make plush, three-ply toilet paper, and discharging dangerous chemicals through their urine that eventually cause genetic mutations in fish and other aquatic life. I don’t know what the nature worshiping version of hell is, but clearly hippies are going there, lickity split…

Subarus and Snowsports

While most hippies don’t own cars, preferring instead to walk, bike or utilize public transportation to get to their destinations, those that do own a car inevitably purchase a Subaru. True, previous generations of hippies relied on the ubiquitous VW Bus, but this generation needs more oomph. They believe that the Outback and the Forester offer superior all wheel drive traction much needed in the Pacific Northwest, while still retaining a decent miles per gallon rating. Of course, these hippies wouldn’t really need all wheel drive if they didn’t participate in such bourgeois activities as snowboarding, skiing and snowshoeing. Nope, these hippies could get by with a Hyundai Accent, which gets far better MPG than a Subaru. But no, they gotta get their groove on up on the slopes. It seems the environment takes a back seat to snowsports for these hippies…too bad, really, since the excess fossil fuels spewed by their Subaru’s are actually raising temperatures in the mountains, which will eventually mean less snow and worse skiing conditions down the line. But alas, that’s for future hippies to worry about…

Dam Breaching

Hippies decry artificial dams and are a great supporter of efforts to breach dams in the Pacific Northwest. Their reasoning goes something like this: Dams make it difficult for salmon to get downstream while young, and upstream while mature, leading to ever dwindling populations of wild salmon. Their solution – dam breaching – means tearing down dams that often are used to produce hydroelectric power, one the most “clean” sources of power around. It is startling that hippies advocate such a position, seeing as the lost power would ultimately be replaced by fossil-fuel burning sources (which contribute to global warming, which raises sea levels, which will kill millions in Bangladesh.) But what is even more startling is the amount of salmon the average hippie eats annually. These guys love it on their bagels (a hippie favorite), smoked and mixed in with some cream cheese, or simply grilled on cedar planks on a barbeque. It is estimated that each Northwest hippie eats close to his/her total weight in salmon each year. If they would simply switch to, say, tuna, there would be no need for dam breaching in the first place! Silly hippies…

Buying Local

When it comes to food, hippies love the concept of “buying local,” a term that refers to purchasing locally-made products. This ranges from fruits and vegetables to dairy, eggs, and meat and poultry. The idea is that by purchasing from local companies that manufacture these products, you are reducing your “carbon footprint” because the items don’t have to be transported over vast distances to get to your store or retail outlet. Another benefit, the hippies argue, is that it helps create economic vitality and vibrancy in the local community, as small local producers and manufacturers can effectively compete against giant multinational companies located thousands of miles away, and these local producers then spend their money at other local shops, and on and on down the line, keeping that money in the community. The problem, though, is that some geographic areas simply aren’t positioned well enough to support certain types of products – for example, bananas don’t grow well in Eastern Oregon, and rice doesn’t grow well in Alaska. So what’s a person to do? Change their diet? Eat ONLY foods that can be grown in your local climate? I dunno, but it sounds kinda like….Socialism!!!! Ahhhhhhh! Socialism!!!! Noooooo!!!! Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!

Biodiesel

Hippies are fully behind the biodiesel movement, wherein diesel fuel is produced from various biomass sources and/or through the recycling of cooking oils and such. They say that biodiesel is better than traditional diesel because it is primarily derived from plant life, a renewable resource, as opposed to the finite fossil fuel known as crude oil that is the motherstock of traditional diesel. Thus, a big push to purchase diesel vehicles and/or convert standard engines to diesel. But what about the plants and trees and shrubs and whatnot that go into making biodiesel? Hippies, it seems, don’t care if their transportation needs serve as a catalyst for the slaughter of acres of switchgrass, or sugar cane, or whatever else goes into biodiesel. Nope, hippies don’t care about that at all….

Bikes are Bad

Hippies love bicycles. They ride them everywhere in Portland, and whenever a collision occurs between auto and bicycle, the auto gets blamed, no matter what. Anyhow, the theory is that bicycling reduces your carbon footprint because you don’t use any carbon-based energy to ride a bike. But, unfortunately, physics sheds some light on this fallacy of a theory. Because, the person peddling the bike uses energy he or she gleaned from eating food. Which means that the person eats more, in order to power that bicycle. Which means more resources being used to do it. Resources like water, fertilizers, and gasoline to grow and transport that food to market. Which means more carbon emissions, leading to rising sea levels, which are killing millions in Bangladesh. Thus, bicycle riders are killing millions in Bangladesh! Where’s the outrage!?!

Public Parks

Hippies love public parks. Parks give hippies a place to congregate, hang out, smoke dope and do tai chi. They also provide “green space” which hippies claim is very important to have in urban areas, for reasons I don’t quite understand. The thing is, the vast majority of public park land is covered in grass. And that grass must be mowed. And the mowers are almost universally gas-powered mowers. Which means that public parks are a significant source of greenhouse gas emissions, which lead to global warming, which leads to rising sea levels, which means, again, the deaths of millions in Bangladesh. Why won’t the hippies just lay off Bangladesh?!