Addicted to Oil

Hippies the world over are crying foul over the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. The pollution will destroy wildlife for decades in the region, they say. The spill–the worst environmental disaster in the nation’s history–offers a clear glimpse of the dangers we face due to our addiction to oil, they say. It is, after all, a complete vindication of what the hippies have said for decades…oil is dirty! Extracting it is harmful to the environment! It can’t be done “in an environmentally responsible way” as oil execs have long argued! Well, guess what? Those hippies will need to make some serious changes if the oil stops flowing. Let’s have a look at some of the products that hippies use and/or consume that are derived from oil:

· Plastic water pipes.

· Bean bags.

· Lava lamps.

· CDs.

· iPods and iPhones.

· Snowboards and skis.

· Ziplock baggies (for their weed).

· Airplane fuel (for their trips abroad to “find themselves”).

· The plastic containers that hold hummus, baba ganoush, tabouli, tofu, and just about every other food stuff that hippies eat.

· Nalgene water bottles.

· Backpacks.

· Flip flops.

· Birkenstocks.

· Condoms.

· Tatoo ink.

The list goes on and on. If hippies really want to wean the country off oil, they should put their money where their mouth is and give all this shit up!

Religion and Nature

Hippies generally decry organized religion, believing instead that spirituality needs no structure or dogma to be relevant and helpful to those who practice it. They prefer to develop their own relationship with a higher power, which for hippies generally means nature, or Gaia, the mother of all things natural. Nature worship, for what it’s worth, doesn’t place any restrictions on humans insofar as morals go. The only precept in nature worship is to treat the earth and its inhabitants well, with respect and all that. Yet, as we have discussed on previous posts, hippies do all kinds of terrible things to nature, such as: freaking out animals with their dope smoking and their drum circles, pillaging the rainforest in search of patchouli, polluting the air with Subarus, utilizing roads cut through pristine forests, withholding vital nutrients from landfills, eating threatened or endangered species, allowing the slaughter of vast crops of plantlife in order to make fuel, allowing the senseless deaths of critters great and small through protection of dangerous carnivorous animals, chopping down perfectly good trees to make plush, three-ply toilet paper, and discharging dangerous chemicals through their urine that eventually cause genetic mutations in fish and other aquatic life. I don’t know what the nature worshiping version of hell is, but clearly hippies are going there, lickity split…

Dam Breaching

Hippies decry artificial dams and are a great supporter of efforts to breach dams in the Pacific Northwest. Their reasoning goes something like this: Dams make it difficult for salmon to get downstream while young, and upstream while mature, leading to ever dwindling populations of wild salmon. Their solution – dam breaching – means tearing down dams that often are used to produce hydroelectric power, one the most “clean” sources of power around. It is startling that hippies advocate such a position, seeing as the lost power would ultimately be replaced by fossil-fuel burning sources (which contribute to global warming, which raises sea levels, which will kill millions in Bangladesh.) But what is even more startling is the amount of salmon the average hippie eats annually. These guys love it on their bagels (a hippie favorite), smoked and mixed in with some cream cheese, or simply grilled on cedar planks on a barbeque. It is estimated that each Northwest hippie eats close to his/her total weight in salmon each year. If they would simply switch to, say, tuna, there would be no need for dam breaching in the first place! Silly hippies…

Buying Local

When it comes to food, hippies love the concept of “buying local,” a term that refers to purchasing locally-made products. This ranges from fruits and vegetables to dairy, eggs, and meat and poultry. The idea is that by purchasing from local companies that manufacture these products, you are reducing your “carbon footprint” because the items don’t have to be transported over vast distances to get to your store or retail outlet. Another benefit, the hippies argue, is that it helps create economic vitality and vibrancy in the local community, as small local producers and manufacturers can effectively compete against giant multinational companies located thousands of miles away, and these local producers then spend their money at other local shops, and on and on down the line, keeping that money in the community. The problem, though, is that some geographic areas simply aren’t positioned well enough to support certain types of products – for example, bananas don’t grow well in Eastern Oregon, and rice doesn’t grow well in Alaska. So what’s a person to do? Change their diet? Eat ONLY foods that can be grown in your local climate? I dunno, but it sounds kinda like….Socialism!!!! Ahhhhhhh! Socialism!!!! Noooooo!!!! Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!

Biodiesel

Hippies are fully behind the biodiesel movement, wherein diesel fuel is produced from various biomass sources and/or through the recycling of cooking oils and such. They say that biodiesel is better than traditional diesel because it is primarily derived from plant life, a renewable resource, as opposed to the finite fossil fuel known as crude oil that is the motherstock of traditional diesel. Thus, a big push to purchase diesel vehicles and/or convert standard engines to diesel. But what about the plants and trees and shrubs and whatnot that go into making biodiesel? Hippies, it seems, don’t care if their transportation needs serve as a catalyst for the slaughter of acres of switchgrass, or sugar cane, or whatever else goes into biodiesel. Nope, hippies don’t care about that at all….