Hippies Discussing The Money Wrench Gang

Hippie 1: “Dude, that’s so cool! They just totally trashed that bulldozer! I wish I could do something like that!”

Hippie 2: “Yeah, and they burned down all those billboards! Man, those cats really love nature…”

Hippie 1: “Yeah, I heard it was based on a true story…I’d like to shake that dude’s hand...”

Hippie 2: “What, that one dude, Hayduke? The one who’s always throwing his beer cans out the window and stuff?”

Hippie 1: “Huh? Umm…that’s not cool…”

Hippie 2: “Yeah, but it was a STATEMENT, dude…”

Hippie 1: “Oh…cool.”

Punch-a-Hippie Day

BREAKING NEWS: WASHINGTON - Today President Obama declared June 30 to be “National Punch-a-Hippie Day” in honor of his administration’s moratorium on offshore drilling following the massive oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico.

“As many Presidents have said before, the buck stops here,” Mr. Obama said, in taking full responsibility for the moratorium, which will put thousands out of work in Mississippi, Alabama and Louisiana.

“While I cannot erase the harm that has been done, I can provide this one small gesture: On June 30, frustrated - and unemployed - citizens of the Gulf states may take out their anger on the nearest hippie-dippy environmentalist they come across. Go ahead, give ‘em a whack! We will not prosecute you!”

Naturally, national environmental groups criticized the president for his comments, arguing that it wasn’t their fault and that singling hippies out for retribution amounted to discrimination.

“While stopping offshore drilling has long been a goal of our organization, the President’s moratorium policy was developed and implemented without any consultation with us,” said James Buttercup, executive director of Hippies Against Oil.

“To condone violence upon our kind is not only irresponsible, but may well be the political death knell for this President,” Buttercup added.

David Axelrod, Mr. Obama’s chief political advisor, said much of the Gulf oil disaster could rightly be laid at the feet of organizations such as Buttercup’s, which have lobbied long and hard against drilling on land and in shallower waters, where emergency response capabilities would have made it much easier to contain a spill of this magnitude.

“I think, clearly, if the hippies had simply let the oil companies drill in ANWR, we wouldn’t be facing this situation today,” said Axelrod.

“Literally everyone else involved in this - BP, the White House, the MMS - has acknowledged their culpability and accepted responsibility for their roles in this fiasco,” Axelrod said. “It’s now time for the environmental lobby to do the same.”

Addicted to Oil

Hippies the world over are crying foul over the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. The pollution will destroy wildlife for decades in the region, they say. The spill–the worst environmental disaster in the nation’s history–offers a clear glimpse of the dangers we face due to our addiction to oil, they say. It is, after all, a complete vindication of what the hippies have said for decades…oil is dirty! Extracting it is harmful to the environment! It can’t be done “in an environmentally responsible way” as oil execs have long argued! Well, guess what? Those hippies will need to make some serious changes if the oil stops flowing. Let’s have a look at some of the products that hippies use and/or consume that are derived from oil:

· Plastic water pipes.

· Bean bags.

· Lava lamps.

· CDs.

· iPods and iPhones.

· Snowboards and skis.

· Ziplock baggies (for their weed).

· Airplane fuel (for their trips abroad to “find themselves”).

· The plastic containers that hold hummus, baba ganoush, tabouli, tofu, and just about every other food stuff that hippies eat.

· Nalgene water bottles.

· Backpacks.

· Flip flops.

· Birkenstocks.

· Condoms.

· Tatoo ink.

The list goes on and on. If hippies really want to wean the country off oil, they should put their money where their mouth is and give all this shit up!

Backyard Chickens

Northwest hippies love the concept of keeping hens as pets and harvesting the eggs they produce. Sure, such “farm fresh” eggs taste better than the mass-produced ones, and if they are coming from your own hens, they’re cheap, too. But for some reason, regular folks pooh-pooh the idea of allowing city dwellers to keep hens in their backyards. These opponents cite the foul odors that often accompany chicken roosts, primarily caused by the loads and loads of chicken shit that pile up as lazy hippies fail to clean the roosts promptly and adequately. Unfortunately, due to their lack of personal hygiene, hippies are unable to distinguish their own stench from that of their chickens, and inevitably reply, “What odor? I don’t smell anything…”

Six Packs

Hippies hate those little plastic thingies that hold six packs of beer or soda together. I don’t know what they are called, but those plastic thingies represent a mortal threat to various wildlife, according to hippies, so they must be destroyed. Hippies all over the Northwest spend entire days busily cutting up those little plastic thingies, making sure that there are no intact holes remaining that might ensnare the mouth/beak/muzzle/gills/whatever of any living creature. Which, apparently, happens when the discarded little plastic thingies end up in the streams/lakes/rivers/oceans of the world. Which, apparently, is just a guaranteed given. What I want to know is, if these little plastic thingies are such a threat, and are almost certainly guaranteed to end up in the streams/lakes/rivers/oceans of the world, why would any self-respecting hippie ever buy a can of beer or soda, thus contributing to the problem? Cuz it seems I see them everywhere, sipping thirst-quenching beverages out of aluminum cans while sporting tie-dye shirts and Birkenstocks and toting their drums around Portland. Hmm…

Religion and Nature

Hippies generally decry organized religion, believing instead that spirituality needs no structure or dogma to be relevant and helpful to those who practice it. They prefer to develop their own relationship with a higher power, which for hippies generally means nature, or Gaia, the mother of all things natural. Nature worship, for what it’s worth, doesn’t place any restrictions on humans insofar as morals go. The only precept in nature worship is to treat the earth and its inhabitants well, with respect and all that. Yet, as we have discussed on previous posts, hippies do all kinds of terrible things to nature, such as: freaking out animals with their dope smoking and their drum circles, pillaging the rainforest in search of patchouli, polluting the air with Subarus, utilizing roads cut through pristine forests, withholding vital nutrients from landfills, eating threatened or endangered species, allowing the slaughter of vast crops of plantlife in order to make fuel, allowing the senseless deaths of critters great and small through protection of dangerous carnivorous animals, chopping down perfectly good trees to make plush, three-ply toilet paper, and discharging dangerous chemicals through their urine that eventually cause genetic mutations in fish and other aquatic life. I don’t know what the nature worshiping version of hell is, but clearly hippies are going there, lickity split…

Long Hair

Hippies love long hair… on men, on women, on children. You never see a short-haired hippie, anywhere. Why? Cuz hair is natural beauty, man! It’s an expression of their personality, man! It’s how they commune with nature, man! Even Jesus had long hair, man! Get off their backs!!! Of course, one could argue that if they had shorter hair, they wouldn’t need to use as much shampoo or water to wash their hair, thus saving resources and polluting less…but guess what? Hippies DON’T wash their hair, man!!!!

Biodiesel

Hippies are fully behind the biodiesel movement, wherein diesel fuel is produced from various biomass sources and/or through the recycling of cooking oils and such. They say that biodiesel is better than traditional diesel because it is primarily derived from plant life, a renewable resource, as opposed to the finite fossil fuel known as crude oil that is the motherstock of traditional diesel. Thus, a big push to purchase diesel vehicles and/or convert standard engines to diesel. But what about the plants and trees and shrubs and whatnot that go into making biodiesel? Hippies, it seems, don’t care if their transportation needs serve as a catalyst for the slaughter of acres of switchgrass, or sugar cane, or whatever else goes into biodiesel. Nope, hippies don’t care about that at all….

Drum Circles

Hippies love drum circles and playing bongos and African drums in public spaces. These drum circles can erupt virtually anywhere that hippies congregate, and can last upwards of five or six hours, depending on the attendees’ supply of pot. In other areas of the country (i.e. outside of the Northwest) such confabs are often discouraged because the “music” is considered noise pollution, having been linked to the deaths of various wildlife, such as birds and squirrels and such which, apparently, leap from trees to the concrete below in an effort to escape the monotonous percussion. In the Northwest, however, hippies don’t care about those critters, and the drumming just keeps on going…

Public Parks

Hippies love public parks. Parks give hippies a place to congregate, hang out, smoke dope and do tai chi. They also provide “green space” which hippies claim is very important to have in urban areas, for reasons I don’t quite understand. The thing is, the vast majority of public park land is covered in grass. And that grass must be mowed. And the mowers are almost universally gas-powered mowers. Which means that public parks are a significant source of greenhouse gas emissions, which lead to global warming, which leads to rising sea levels, which means, again, the deaths of millions in Bangladesh. Why won’t the hippies just lay off Bangladesh?!

Composting

Hippies love composting, a process by which they take organic materials, like food scraps, rotting vegetables and landscape debris, and turn it into nutrient-rich soil to be used in gardens and such. The idea is that those materials are put to better use in the garden than in a landfill. The thing is, landfills are basically big giant compost heaps. Sure, there are other, non-organic things that go into a landfill, but all in all, they function pretty similarly to a backyard composter. Over time, the materials in a landfill decompose and turn into soil. Did the hippies ever consider that, by depriving the landfill of such “healthy” organic materials, they are inadvertently lowering the future quality of the soil that landfill will one day provide for starving populations? Huh? Did they ever think of that? I thought not.

Doggy Bags

Hippies love dogs, and can reliably be found walking them, or sitting with them in the park while singing a Simon and Garfunkel song and asking for spare change. But hippies hate dog poop, and can reliably be found leaving said poop on the grass for others to walk on. Sometimes, they place a leaf over the poop, sometimes they don’t. One thing they never do, though, is pick it up with one of those plastic poop bags, because hippies hate plastic bags, seeing as they’re bad for the environment and such. For me, I’d rather see that plastic poop bag in a landfill, than see the poop on my shoes.

Coffee Blues

Hippies love coffee and consume outrageous amounts of it. I don’t know why, maybe it gives them a clearer head when shopping for hookahs and psychedelic Led Zeppelin posters. At any rate, consuming coffee is bad for the environment, a fact that most hippies are unaware of. You see, coffee is a diuretic, which means it makes you have to pee. And when you do pee after drinking coffee, you expel caffeine in your urine. That caffeine eventually makes its way into local streams, where fish live. The fish “breathe” that same caffeine when they take water in through their gills. Caffeine does strange things to fish, most of which are bad. Like causing sterility, hormonal changes and such. No wonder fish are dying out?! If only the hippies cared…